Why I’m now Comfortable with my Introversion

Let’s talk about getting more comfortable with being introverted, as I turn a year older today.

This post finds you on my birthday, the 10th of March or after and therefore, I am definitely another year older and am supposed to be, another wiser. That aforementioned wisdom is precisely what I will bring to your notice today and talk about in this very special birthday blog post(Am I too old if I cringe calling my own birthday “special”?)

Full disclosure: I know these are very first world ‘struggles’. I think it is still awesome to feel more comfortable in your skin, even if it is something quite minor, so, here we go.

I was always an introvert. Ever since I can remember, really. I was the shy kid who grew into a reserved teen who is now the “selectively-social” adult before you. It wasn’t something I felt super comfortable with or happy about though, as a child. It was hard being so shy when being social came so naturally to other people. I was always happier with my books, to sit and get lost in imaginary worlds rather than being around other people.

I completely get why I was uncomfortable, now that I can look back as an adult. It is an extrovert’s world and people who are naturally confident and social are the ones who thrive in it. That was true then and it is true now. It is a bit of a controversial take, but I stand by it. As I grew older, the reading stayed as my escape but I worked on breaking out of my bubble. I tried really hard to fit in and even eventually found myself in the “popular” group as a teen.

As you might have guessed, it didn’t magically make me happier and if anything, putting on this act of being hyper-social was exhausting. I eventually burnt out and couldn’t keep up, dropping from the popular group to my standard 1-2 friends, a.k.a what I could manage. It didn’t mean I was upset, in fact, having a few close friends is usually where I’m happiest. You’d think I’d learn from my experience but guess what, (oops) I did it again. (Look at me sneaking in that Britney reference, are you impressed, yet?)

When I started at university around 4 years back( I graduate this year!), I once again felt that pressure to be happening and put on that act of extroversion, for how else would I have the kind of college life we see in movies or tv shows? And once again, it worked for a while. I was popular and I had many “friends” but I was completely and utterly burnt out from having to keep up this facade. It is a precarious road to take, indeed.

You can guess what happened. I eventually couldn’t keep up and was left with my singular best friend, just the way I like it. (Let’s have a show of hands to see who is surprised. No one, right? ) The only difference is that this time, the message really sunk in: I was not an extrovert and no amount of faking was going to make me one. It doesn’t mean I was happy about it, just that this was the undeniable truth.

Now, I write to you, as a much older 20-something who is ready to leave college, already starting my first job and am by all comparisons, pretty grown up. It took lockdown and a pandemic for me to really understand that my introversion was not only a personality trait I had but it was one I had found pride and comfort in, finally. I am okay with not having that happening, social, popular kid life. I am okay with having only a handful of really close friends over many not so close ones. I still love the escape reading brings. I am genuinely completely, perfectly okay with being an introvert. I daresay I’m actually happy about it.

This is not saying that there is anything wrong with being extroverted. If you are one, more power to you! It was amazing being one, even if I was just faking. You can feed off other people and seem to have an unlimited social battery, how fantastic is that! To have the ability to be the life of a room or a party is such a talent; go you! All I’m saying is: I found comfort in my introverted nature only in the last year.

That is not to say that all my efforts over the years to “fix” myself or “fit in” went to waste. Working on my shyness has made me better at talking to new people and my communication skills are one of the first things that are noticeable about me. Trying to be more confident has also in a way, worked. It may not work for extroversion but I promise you, the ‘fake it till you make it’ formula totally works for feeling and being more confident. I found my passion for engaging with people(one on one only, sorry for my crowd-phobia) through my efforts to better myself. And, I truly believe that in many ways, I did better myself.

Also, this might be a good time to sprinkle in a little anecdote so, here we go. I managed to overhaul my personality to such an extent that now, people who have just met me almost always assume I’m extroverted. Not the end of the world, but it is quite hilarious and what I imagine is a rude awakening or them when they realise I am as far from an extrovert as you get!

I feel so ecstatic about being comfortable with my introversion, finally. The guilt of wanting to be alone Netflix-ing or not want to go to parties or just anything and everything social is gone; just because I accepted myself. I am writing this post because I believe my birthday is the perfect day to talk about learning to love myself more as I grow up but more importantly, it is the post I wish I had read when I was younger.

To know I wasn’t alone, to know that it will be something I will be okay with eventually and to just find comfort in who I was; I think it would have made a real difference and I hope to be able to make that for someone through this post. Either way, it is lovely to be more comfortable with who you are and I hope you get to feel the same way for as long as possible. Have a good day, everyone!

THIS POST’S QUESTION: Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Comment below with what you think about it, I’d love to hear from you!

 

 

 

Growing up: Roaring 20’s

Let’s talk growing up this March, as I officially bid adieu to teenage. It’s finally D-Day today.

Hello everyone. Today, the 10th Of March 2019 is my 20th birthday. I have now existed for at least 2 decades,240 months,7300 days,175200 hours,10512000 minutes and 630720000 seconds. That is a long, long time. Today’s post is for all intents and purposes, my birthday post, where I look back, look ahead and at now, as well. Let’s begin.

20 years ago, I was a tiny, crying, very red baby just fresh into the world. It was still a whole another century and the world sat on the cusp of the 21st century with many hopes and dreams for the wave of modernity it represented. It was still the 90’s, the era of good television, great music and even better clothing. The 2000s were almost upon us, with their nightmare-inducing fashion choices, still good television and still decent music. It was a much simpler time.

20 years hence, I am not-so-tiny, still crying, red no longer, very much an adult and already a little bit over the world. We are nearly 2 decades into the 21st century, which is running at such a pace that each decade feels like a century in itself. The world is, in some ways a better place but still, a work in progress with so much left to fix. It is a very complicated time.

Not much has changed.

In these 20 years, I have learned and experienced so much. I have learned to talk and walk and eat and jump and run and so much more. I have completed 15 years of schooling,2 years of college and am so much wiser. (Questionable)I have trained in dance for 12 years and I’m still dancing. I have been to 9 countries,2 continents and have travelled to and seen a sizeable(yet tiny) chunk of the world. I have read and watched beautiful stories. I have opinions and thoughts and likes and dislikes. In these 20 years, that very red baby has become a person.

Turning 20 is a monumental birthday. It signals the end of another decade as well as of adolescence. I have grown a lot in this decade as well as my teenage years(Perhaps not in height but mentally yes) but I am honestly delighted to say goodbye to my teenage and all the ‘joys’ that puberty brings. I can, however, no longer blame my hormones for my behaviour, which is a tragedy. Thank you teenage, for making me the strong-willed woman I am today.

20 for me is a birthday full of hope. I am finally entering my 20’s, the peak of my youth, the beginning of the years in which I find the life I will live henceforth. I have no idea where I will end up and this is the starting point. I will finish my formal education( Education itself is lifelong, only formally will I be done), I will get my first actual job(I have actually had a non-paid writing job for a not-for-profit organisation already), I will live in my first house, I may even get engaged and/or married!  How crazy is it that all these milestones of my life happen in just these 10 years!

All these are such “grown-up” things in my head and hence I find myself struggling a little with the concept of growing up around this birthday. I am no longer a “barely-adult” adult, now I am a real one even if I don’t necessarily feel like one. I want to take my 20 years of existing, take the best out of them and take it with me as I enter this phase of my life. I would like some more optimism, as the pressure of adulthood, as well my teenage rebellion, has taken quite a lot of it away already. I would like to know it’s okay to depend on people sometimes, okay to miss people and so great to feel love and be loved. I want to hope and have childlike imagination with responsibility and courage. With all this and much more, I launch into my roaring 20’s, here I come!

THIS POST’S QUESTION:  Are you going to/have turned 20? What did/are you feel(ing) like? Comment below with what you think about it,I’d love to hear from you!

 

My Year To Be Bold.

Let’s talk about birthdays and growing up today.

Hi everyone, it’s been a while! In the meantime, I’ve been swimming quite deep in the waters of a busy college life and life, in general. I’ve missed this place and its people a lot and have so many blog post ideas just waiting to be written sitting in my phone’s notes app.

So, why one today? Why not one of those prompts just waiting to grow and blossom into a blog post? Why this conversation of a post rather than an idea? What’s so special about today?

Well, I write this to you at 1 AM on March 10,2018 and also my 19th birthday as I receive calls and messages that congratulate me for something I have no control over. (A.K.A Existing, growing older.)Last year of my teenage and a little bit more adult than I’m used to. Should exciting, nerve-wracking and feel really good, right ?

Except it doesn’t? It’s my first birthday ever away from my family and also simultaneously my first proper adult birthday, first birthday completely alone(I’m sitting alone in my dorm room typing this) and first birthday in University. Phew, that’s a lot of firsts.

A drawing I found on Pinterest that is a pretty accurate description of me typing this to you. The artist has really beautiful art and their link is mentioned as a watermark in the photo.

I am not excited? I am happy because you always get extra love and attention on your birthday, I’m definitely scared to my wit’s end about being a grownup but the waves of excitement that hit me from the fortnight before my birthday was conspicuously missing this year. Even the surprise cake cutting(Thanks to the lovely circle my family has here!) I had today with my College Dance Crew( That I’m a part of, yes!) didn’t trigger them.Even on my birthday, right now I’m more like yes, its my birthday, no big deal, everyone has one of those which is obviously, a tad depressing a place to be in.

The beautiful pre-birthday cake that was cut with my Dance-Crew.

I like to think this is what growing up feels like and man, I didn’t think I’d be a grownup so fast but apparently one year in college living alone can really do the trick. I’m not sad about it but I really miss that pure, undulating joy I felt every year?I feel like somewhere down the line I lost my innocence and I am not sure if I’m perfectly alright with that?

I believe some of it could also stem from the fact that my parents have always made my birthday’s very very special, despite the fact that it fell during exams for 6 years out of 19. It has to be a factor.

In my Bullet Journal, to commemorate my birthday I have done a series of pages.One of which is a quote that says,” This is my year to be bold.” Which is a personal motto of sorts, for the year that is coming? I take 2018 as my year to take risks, to be brave and to be strong in the face of whatever life throws at me.

Alongside, I’ve written a letter to self of sorts titled,” To Me on my Birthday” and I’ll transcribe it here, for the sake of having a digital copy and to share it with everyone because 2017 was a monumental year and this letter is a series of things I learnt over the year which have made me a better person yet the reminder wouldn’t hurt anyone.

This was a major year for you. Milestone-ly, life situation-ly or otherwise.This year you’ve found strength in the face of adversity, resilience in the face of failure, optimism in the face of dejection and most importantly, your dignity while swimming in the pools of dangerously low self-esteem. In your first year as an adult, you’ve done many ‘adult’ things and have grown several years over the span of 365 days. You’ve gained maturity, insight and pride in who you are. You’ve made so much personal progress this year and today is just the right occasion to commemorate it with pride.So, be proud of who you are and who you will be because it’s always going to be one step(Or in 2017’s case one step on the Moon-sized step) ahead of who you were.This year will be yours to claim, to grow, to live and to live boldly.Happy Birthday. Let’s do it the 19th time.

(Part 2 of this post where I talk about what actually went down on my birthday,a riveting tale with many twists and turns is right here)

THIS POST’S QUESTION: What would be/was your personal motto for the coming year on your birthday? Comment below with what you think about it,I’d love to hear from you!

Of Birthdays and Irony.

Lets talk about my birthday today.

I love birthdays. I like the fact that one day of the year is about just one person and appreciating them and their existence. I always try to make an extra effort for friends and family and even acquaintances who have birthdays just because its their day. I wish people about 10,000 times in the day, write them little notes and try and arrange a little gift for them. It makes me happy to make someone happy as like they say, happiness goes around and comes back multiplied manifold.

It is rather ironic then that my own birthday, the 10th of March every year that is, happens to be accursed with the curious curse of being during my exams every year, meaning, while I make a huge affair about other people’s birthdays they can’t return the favour so much, at least on the actual day. For the last 5 years I’ve had exams, major subjects, minor subjects always on or after my birthday. For the last 2,they’ve started exactly on my birthday. And this year, it only gets sadder for me(And funnier for you, on the outside.) as my exams start on the exact next day after my birthday and its a major subject. I don’t think I have actually had my birthday party on my birthday except my 13th birthday and that too was a small one celebrating my foray into teenage. My birthday celebrations are usually kept after the exams and therefore, are 10 days and even 20 days after my birthday.

My parents, my family, makes a huge huge effort to make my day better (like the canopy of balloons last year in the picture) and loads of delicious food to cater to my food loving tendencies but you can only do so much. My friends have forgotten to (more than once) wish me Happy Birthday for an instant the morning of my birthday because they’re stressed and completely worried about the Math exam, like me. I stay up the night before the exam not in anticipation but up studying.

So, what I try to do is I try to be happy enough to feel glad myself, without celebration. Feel happy about existing and breathing and being healthy and living and blessed with so much in life. It makes up for the lack or rather the damping of the birthday spirit my exams so successfully accomplish.

So, here I am, turning 17 in 2 days, approximately.(Finally old enough to do magic in the wizarding world, yes!)As you might have gathered, I appreciate birthday wishes and love more than most people because of the unfortunate case with my birthdays. If you want to brighten up my day, just a little, on my birthday or talk to me in general whenever you want, you can wish me on my email which is written underneath. It would mean the world to me.

Email : musingsofawhimsicalsoul@gmail.com