Why I’m now Comfortable with my Introversion

Let’s talk about getting more comfortable with being introverted, as I turn a year older today.

This post finds you on my birthday, the 10th of March or after and therefore, I am definitely another year older and am supposed to be, another wiser. That aforementioned wisdom is precisely what I will bring to your notice today and talk about in this very special birthday blog post(Am I too old if I cringe calling my own birthday “special”?)

Full disclosure: I know these are very first world ‘struggles’. I think it is still awesome to feel more comfortable in your skin, even if it is something quite minor, so, here we go.

I was always an introvert. Ever since I can remember, really. I was the shy kid who grew into a reserved teen who is now the “selectively-social” adult before you. It wasn’t something I felt super comfortable with or happy about though, as a child. It was hard being so shy when being social came so naturally to other people. I was always happier with my books, to sit and get lost in imaginary worlds rather than being around other people.

I completely get why I was uncomfortable, now that I can look back as an adult. It is an extrovert’s world and people who are naturally confident and social are the ones who thrive in it. That was true then and it is true now. It is a bit of a controversial take, but I stand by it. As I grew older, the reading stayed as my escape but I worked on breaking out of my bubble. I tried really hard to fit in and even eventually found myself in the “popular” group as a teen.

As you might have guessed, it didn’t magically make me happier and if anything, putting on this act of being hyper-social was exhausting. I eventually burnt out and couldn’t keep up, dropping from the popular group to my standard 1-2 friends, a.k.a what I could manage. It didn’t mean I was upset, in fact, having a few close friends is usually where I’m happiest. You’d think I’d learn from my experience but guess what, (oops) I did it again. (Look at me sneaking in that Britney reference, are you impressed, yet?)

When I started at university around 4 years back( I graduate this year!), I once again felt that pressure to be happening and put on that act of extroversion, for how else would I have the kind of college life we see in movies or tv shows? And once again, it worked for a while. I was popular and I had many “friends” but I was completely and utterly burnt out from having to keep up this facade. It is a precarious road to take, indeed.

You can guess what happened. I eventually couldn’t keep up and was left with my singular best friend, just the way I like it. (Let’s have a show of hands to see who is surprised. No one, right? ) The only difference is that this time, the message really sunk in: I was not an extrovert and no amount of faking was going to make me one. It doesn’t mean I was happy about it, just that this was the undeniable truth.

Now, I write to you, as a much older 20-something who is ready to leave college, already starting my first job and am by all comparisons, pretty grown up. It took lockdown and a pandemic for me to really understand that my introversion was not only a personality trait I had but it was one I had found pride and comfort in, finally. I am okay with not having that happening, social, popular kid life. I am okay with having only a handful of really close friends over many not so close ones. I still love the escape reading brings. I am genuinely completely, perfectly okay with being an introvert. I daresay I’m actually happy about it.

This is not saying that there is anything wrong with being extroverted. If you are one, more power to you! It was amazing being one, even if I was just faking. You can feed off other people and seem to have an unlimited social battery, how fantastic is that! To have the ability to be the life of a room or a party is such a talent; go you! All I’m saying is: I found comfort in my introverted nature only in the last year.

That is not to say that all my efforts over the years to “fix” myself or “fit in” went to waste. Working on my shyness has made me better at talking to new people and my communication skills are one of the first things that are noticeable about me. Trying to be more confident has also in a way, worked. It may not work for extroversion but I promise you, the ‘fake it till you make it’ formula totally works for feeling and being more confident. I found my passion for engaging with people(one on one only, sorry for my crowd-phobia) through my efforts to better myself. And, I truly believe that in many ways, I did better myself.

Also, this might be a good time to sprinkle in a little anecdote so, here we go. I managed to overhaul my personality to such an extent that now, people who have just met me almost always assume I’m extroverted. Not the end of the world, but it is quite hilarious and what I imagine is a rude awakening or them when they realise I am as far from an extrovert as you get!

I feel so ecstatic about being comfortable with my introversion, finally. The guilt of wanting to be alone Netflix-ing or not want to go to parties or just anything and everything social is gone; just because I accepted myself. I am writing this post because I believe my birthday is the perfect day to talk about learning to love myself more as I grow up but more importantly, it is the post I wish I had read when I was younger.

To know I wasn’t alone, to know that it will be something I will be okay with eventually and to just find comfort in who I was; I think it would have made a real difference and I hope to be able to make that for someone through this post. Either way, it is lovely to be more comfortable with who you are and I hope you get to feel the same way for as long as possible. Have a good day, everyone!

THIS POST’S QUESTION: Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Comment below with what you think about it, I’d love to hear from you!

 

 

 

The A-Z of 2020

Let’s talk about 2020 today.

I’m just going to say it: 2020 was A LOT. We all had our own issues to get through and had a rough year. With the longest year of all time finally drawing to a close, I thought it would be good to look back at the year and draw closure from it. Then I had the idea of going through the alphabet with one word for each letter to capture what it was like living in 2020 and it was kismet. So, without further ado, I present, the A-Z of 2020; the emotions of living through ‘unprecedented times’!

2020 has been a year of:

Adaptation, to the ‘new normal’, to the complete 180 that life has made, to the many challenges 2020 has thrown at us. Growing under adversity has made us all evolve and get stronger and I am so proud of us.

Being, existing and persisting in such difficult times is a big deal in and of itself. We get points for just making it through and not being ‘productive’ in the middle of a pandemic.

Change, in the way we live, communicate, socialise and celebrate important life events. Zoom has turned out to be the real hero and staying connected while physically apart from a proper skill.

Difficulty, with all of us trying to navigate this never-before-seen situation. Many lost their loved ones and their jobs, many had to make difficult decisions, quite a few let go of their dreams.

Exhaustion, from trying to stay afloat, from being separated from loved ones, from being stuck at home, from not being able to live our regular lives and from living through the longest most never-ending year of all time.

Firsts, be it your first time baking banana bread or your first Christmas alone, there are so many new experiences both good and bad, that we’ve gained this year. We are living through history and these memories build our personal stories of it.

Gratitude, for the ordinary. Personally, this has definitely been my biggest lesson and I leave this year much more thankful for the littlest of things, like being able to hug my friends or just attend a class on campus than I was when I entered it.

Hope, for better times to come, of coming out better, of learning new skills. Our humanity shines in moments like these and our seemingly indomitable hope and spirit is what makes us special.

Ingenuity, shown by everyone everywhere. This year was, unlike something that had happened in most of our lifetimes yet people came up with the most creative solutions to the unique problems they faced.

Juxtaposition, of people discovering their old selves again and people losing their old selves completely because of the hardships they are going through. Of people finding appreciation for the little things while going through a major event. Of so much more.

Kindness, for everyone. People have really come forward with compassion for their fellow beings all over the world and hearing these stories really fills my heart with joy.

Love, of all kinds. Families, relationships, friends and more, everyone understood like never before the kind and depth of love they held for the people in their lives.

Mankind, of all of us. We have gone through a collective experience like no other, and it has been a truly transformative time for all of us.

Nostalgia, for the familiar. Many of us went back to our old hobbies to deal with a difficult situation and I think I speak for all of us when I say we all yearned for aspects of our ‘normal’ life that we didn’t appreciate enough before.

Ordinary. This year is not the year of being extraordinary or doing outlandish feats. It is one where even doing the most regular things is a feat in itself, and something to be proud of.

Patience for the people in our life, for our normal lives and for ourselves too. This year has taught us to slow down and be patient, whether we like it or not and has made us all see the virtues of slow living.

Quiet. If you live in a city like me, do you remember the deafening silence the pandemic brought on initially? That haunting quiet? The silence of the kind that seemed impossible before but has characterised so much of the year. In 2020, no matter where you went, silence was golden.

Reflection, on our past, our present and even our future. Many of us were compelled to think about the kind of lives we were leading, what we envisioned for ourselves and what we had to do to get there. This kind of reflection is very rare, and while forced was something I quite learned to embrace.

Sharing; your emotions to make the load lighter, your resources if you were privileged, your gratitude to the ones really sacrificing it all for our safety and most of all, for many of us, our true selves after a long, long time.

Togetherness. We may be separated physically but every single one of us is united by the experience of living through a pandemic and at some level has been affected by it.

Uncertainty, for the future. 2020 meant a lot of us had to reassess our life goals and were suddenly thrown into a lack of clarity about what the future would bring. The future is looking brighter now, with some vaccines on the horizon but still, hugely uncertain. We can’t know for sure what a post-COVID world will look like.

Vulnerability, of opening ourselves up, of emotionally exposing ourselves and of sharing the hidden aspects of our personality with people close as well as distant.

Weirdness. Truly. It has been such an absurd year; so much has happened and all of it is so different and unrelated from each other. It has been a truly wild year.

Xenia. Yes, I had to get a little creative and look a word up for ‘X’. I found this wonderfully apt though. ‘Xenia’ is the ancient Greek custom of generosity and friendship shown to those far from home. Through blogging and my blog Instagram, I have truly felt the gift of ‘Xenia’ manifold.

Yearning, hankering, hoping, wishing for better more comfortable times, for experiences of an age past, for people that are far.

Zen. I think 2020 really bought the importance of self-care forth and I’m really hoping we take this focus on maintaining our mental peace with us into the new year.

And that’s all, everyone! The best thing is that as hard as it was, 2020 is finally ending. So, pat yourself on the back for having survived through a very gruelling year and let’s bid adieu to never having to hear the phrase, ‘New normal’, Happy new year!

THIS POST’S QUESTION: What is one word to describe your emotional journey in 2020? Comment below with what you think about it, I’d love to hear from you!