It was my year to be bold but was I bold enough?

Let’s talk about 2018, my personal motto for the previous year and looking ahead today.

Happy new year! How has your year been so far? Good, I hope. If not, I really hope it gets better.

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My mother’s art for new year’s last year that I happen to love a lot. You can find more of this on her Instagram @passion_n_possession

Last year on the 10th day of March(My birthday), I vowed to make 2018 my year to be bold. I decided to make 2018 my year to take risks, to be brave and to be strong in the face of whatever life throws at me. I talked about this before in my post, My Year To Be Bold. Today, on the 10th day of 2019, you and I (mostly me but you bear witness) will attempt to dissect if I did indeed follow through with this motto. Let us begin.

As I put some thought into this I realised I had followed through with my goal, somewhat, but in ways, I didn’t expect. That aspect of it surprised me the most, I had decided to be bold in the face of life’s trials and to take major risks but really can every year of your life be full of major problems? More importantly, should it even be? Probably not.

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Just a little quote I found on the website in the watermark.

This year, I took some risks yes, personally, sometimes even academically, and yes, some turned out to be for the better while some not so much but none so life changing that you know, I’d call it the one risk that made my life. This year I was ill for a good part of my first semester and I think all that gave me was a major fear of fainting. (I’ve never fainted before. No one talks about how awful it feels) I thought I’d wasted my motto of being bold on 2018. It could have been kept safe for a bigger year of my life like the year I start my first job or my postgraduate education. That makes sense, right?

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After some more introspection, I’d say no. I had this realisation in the most innocuous of ways when I started to talk about what I’d like to do professionally in the future with a friend and I had this post at the back of my mind. I had the following epiphany and I’ll share it with you.

I realised I conquered little fears every day. I am a big introvert. I dont like making phone calls or small talk. (Of course, this doesn’t include friends and (close) family) I have a fear of crowds. They give me major claustrophobia. I have always found greeting people when you meet them anywhere to put me under a lot of pressure. I dont like chit-chatting with strangers for no reason.

But this year, I did it all and even better, I’ve improved at doing it all. I don’t let these anxieties of mine hold me back ,I’ve even made some of them my strengths and now, even professionally, I’d love to work with talking to people, now that I’ve discovered the joys of and liberation in sharing thoughts and opinions with people outside your circle, the wonderful human superpower that is, communication. That does not mean the fears magically disappeared though, no. It just means that the fight has become easier, the monster smaller, the anxiety lesser, the fun more apparent.

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A quote I found on the website mentioned in the watermark.

So, the bottom line is, I was bold this year. It wasn’t in the big, obvious ways that I’d expected when I decided to be bold but the more smaller, innocuous ways. So, the question then changes from Was I bold? to Was I bold enough? Is there a way to measure boldness? A little meter that rises up little by little so you know that you were in fact, bold enough? How do I say I fulfilled my personal motto when there is no quantifiable way of deciding that? So, the question still stands and I put it forth to you as you have been on this journey with me today and because I have no real way to answer it myself, Was I bold enough?

THIS POST’S QUESTION: Do you think you can measure things like boldness? Comment below with what you think about it,I’d love to hear from you!

My Year To Be Bold.

Let’s talk about birthdays and growing up today.

Hi everyone, it’s been a while! In the meantime, I’ve been swimming quite deep in the waters of a busy college life and life, in general. I’ve missed this place and its people a lot and have so many blog post ideas just waiting to be written sitting in my phone’s notes app.

So, why one today? Why not one of those prompts just waiting to grow and blossom into a blog post? Why this conversation of a post rather than an idea? What’s so special about today?

Well, I write this to you at 1 AM on March 10,2018 and also my 19th birthday as I receive calls and messages that congratulate me for something I have no control over. (A.K.A Existing, growing older.)Last year of my teenage and a little bit more adult than I’m used to. Should exciting, nerve-wracking and feel really good, right ?

Except it doesn’t? It’s my first birthday ever away from my family and also simultaneously my first proper adult birthday, first birthday completely alone(I’m sitting alone in my dorm room typing this) and first birthday in University. Phew, that’s a lot of firsts.

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A drawing I found on Pinterest that is a pretty accurate description of me typing this to you. The artist has really beautiful art and their link is mentioned as a watermark in the photo.

I am not excited? I am happy because you always get extra love and attention on your birthday, I’m definitely scared to my wit’s end about being a grownup but the waves of excitement that hit me from the fortnight before my birthday was conspicuously missing this year. Even the surprise cake cutting(Thanks to the lovely circle my family has here!) I had today with my College Dance Crew( That I’m a part of, yes!) didn’t trigger them.Even on my birthday, right now I’m more like yes, its my birthday, no big deal, everyone has one of those which is obviously, a tad depressing a place to be in.

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The beautiful pre-birthday cake that was cut with my Dance-Crew.

I like to think this is what growing up feels like and man, I didn’t think I’d be a grownup so fast but apparently one year in college living alone can really do the trick. I’m not sad about it but I really miss that pure, undulating joy I felt every year?I feel like somewhere down the line I lost my innocence and I am not sure if I’m perfectly alright with that?

I believe some of it could also stem from the fact that my parents have always made my birthday’s very very special, despite the fact that it fell during exams for 6 years out of 19. It has to be a factor.

In my Bullet Journal, to commemorate my birthday I have done a series of pages.One of which is a quote that says,” This is my year to be bold.” Which is a personal motto of sorts, for the year that is coming? I take 2018 as my year to take risks, to be brave and to be strong in the face of whatever life throws at me.

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Alongside, I’ve written a letter to self of sorts titled,” To Me on my Birthday” and I’ll transcribe it here, for the sake of having a digital copy and to share it with everyone because 2017 was a monumental year and this letter is a series of things I learnt over the year which have made me a better person yet the reminder wouldn’t hurt anyone.

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This was a major year for you. Milestone-ly, life situation-ly or otherwise.This year you’ve found strength in the face of adversity, resilience in the face of failure, optimism in the face of dejection and most importantly, your dignity while swimming in the pools of dangerously low self-esteem. In your first year as an adult, you’ve done many ‘adult’ things and have grown several years over the span of 365 days. You’ve gained maturity, insight and pride in who you are. You’ve made so much personal progress this year and today is just the right occasion to commemorate it with pride.So, be proud of who you are and who you will be because it’s always going to be one step(Or in 2017’s case one step on the Moon-sized step) ahead of who you were.This year will be yours to claim, to grow, to live and to live boldly.Happy Birthday. Let’s do it the 19th time.

(Part 2 of this post where I talk about what actually went down on my birthday,a riveting tale with many twists and turns is right here)

THIS POST’S QUESTION: What would be/was your personal motto for the coming year on your birthday? Comment below with what you think about it,I’d love to hear from you!